Three years ago, I was a baby rope bottom who didn’t know anyone in the shibari world – and not much about rope bondage, for that matter. All I knew was that jute rope against my skin felt amazing and that my first experience of being tied up had left me with an intense thirst for more. While I wouldn’t want to change anything about the wild and wonderful journey I’ve been on, there are definitely things I wish I had known as a newbie shibari bottom.
Rope is for everybody
I discovered shibari during Covid times when all physical shibari dojos and rope jams were shut. Not knowing anyone in the shibari world, I could only go on what I saw online and what I mainly saw was this: petite, bendy young women in their 20s. I seriously began to question whether being a rope bottom would even be possible for me. At nearly 1.8 meters tall and in my late 30s at the time, I had a niggling feeling that I was most likely too tall, too old and probably too flat-chested to boot.
Luckily, my craving for rope was way stronger than my worries about my body and age holding me back. Three years and so many incredible experiences later, it’s easy to laugh at myself and my unfounded fears. I now know many rope bottoms of varying sizes, gender expressions and abilities. Rope is for everyone and all kinds of bodies . Don’t let anyone tell you anything else.
Illustration by Jo La Patouille The importance of connecting with other rope bottoms
You might have your heart set on befriending that hot rigger with thousands of followers on social media, but what will make your life as a new rope bottom both safer in the long run and more fun? Connecting with other rope bottoms.
Being able to ask more experienced people about whether what I’m feeling is ‘normal’, sharing experiences and getting to vet potential riggers has been invaluable for my rope bottoming journey.
I’ve made so many wonderful rope bottom friends on this journey and apart from the joy of having friends with common interests, being able to ask more experienced people about whether what I’m feeling is ‘normal’, sharing experiences and getting to vet potential riggers (asking for a person’s references and whether they’re deemed to be safe to tie with) has been invaluable for my rope bottoming journey.
Don’t assume the rigger knows best
While I had read up a lot about the risk of nerve injuries, I naively had blind faith in the riggers I tied with as they all had more experience than I did at the time. Some of the things I was happy to do three years ago, I simply wouldn’t do now. I also recommend learning what a safe lock-off looks like.
Cassandra Oak, a rope bottom based in Belfast, shares a similar realization. ‘I wish I’d learned more about how to assess someone’s tying – I focused entirely on what I was responsible for as a bottom (learning hand checks, nerve damage, etc.), but I realize now I was putting a lot of faith in the rigger… I was really lucky that my introduction to rope was with someone skilled enough to suspend safely, but looking back now, I realize if they hadn’t been as knowledgeable as I thought they were, I wouldn’t have known until it was possibly too late!’
‘I wish I’d learned more about how to assess someone’s tying – I focused entirely on what I was responsible for as a bottom, but I realize now I was putting a lot of faith in the rigger.’
When you’re new, it can also be hard to question things, and especially people with more experience. As a newbie, I unquestionably looked up to riggers and even teachers with years of experience who I’ve later learned tie unsafely, claim that certain ties are without risk or have questionable behaviors.
Mylavandermoon, a rope bottom and rigger living in Bangkok, advises to be critical: ‘When getting into ropes as a newbie, and more so as a bottom, it can feel as if everyone and anyone is totally right and has a universal truth, but it’s always good to be critical and question things and people, inside or outside of ropes. We are all different, have different backgrounds with different experiences, understanding and approach of things: styles, intentions, aesthetics, knowledge … And don’t forget that power dynamics are everywhere! Listen, learn, share, but also question.’
Honoring myself by really listening to my body
I’ve become an expert at listening to my own signals that tell me whether something feels right or not, both in my body and mind. It wasn’t always that way. When you’re just starting out in getting tied, it can be hard to know exactly what you’re feeling as the sensations in ropes are so new. You might not know what your body is telling you but listening and communicating what you’re feeling is vital. As a new rope bottom, I’m certain that I toughed it out too often in a wish to be seen as ‘strong’ and ‘fun to tie with’. Don’t be afraid to speak up: you’re doing yourself – and your rigger – a huge favor by giving them feedback.
As a new rope bottom, I’m certain that I toughed it out too often in a wish to be seen as ‘strong’ and ‘fun to tie with’. Don’t be afraid to speak up: you’re doing yourself – and your rigger – a huge favor…
Illustration Jo La Patouille Fuoco, a Shibari Study instructor and rope educator from the US, describes shibari as a space that can give us an opportunity to listen deeply to embodied ‘true yeses and noes’. ‘It’s a challenging physical and interpersonal practice that will give you a lot of good info about when you’re making choices that are aligned with your own internal, felt sense of consent. Not consent in the way of “I agreed to do this with a person” but consent in the way of “my body is truly saying yes to this.” There will be a lot of times when things feel amazing and lots of times when you’re dangling from the ceiling wondering how you got there. You’re going to get it wrong a lot! And you might say yes to people when your body says no. And sometimes say no to things when your body is screaming yes. And that’s all just part of the process. It’s lovely and takes time and I’m still learning it over a decade later.’
Shibari can be whatever you want it to be
The person who introduced me to shibari claimed that I seemed too sexual for getting tied up – a ridiculous claim that made me feel that my desires underpinning getting tied up weren’t legit. (Having said that, one of the most boring discussions for me is whether shibari is or should be sexual or not. It can absolutely be sexual, but it certainly doesn’t have to be.)
Here’s the thing: shibari can be whatever you and the person tying you want it to be. You’re into creating cool shapes, looking pretty and doing shibari as an artform? Awesome, go do your thing. You’re into rope because it turns you on to be tied up and bondage is a kink? Good for you – you’re not alone. Whatever you’re into, you’ll find your person or people to do it with. There’s no right or wrong here.
Newbie frenzy
Newbie frenzy is real and happens to many of us when we first get into ropes, whether as bottoms, tops or switches. This hobby is so exciting that for many of us, it’s hard not to get too consumed by it and overdo it. I’m still learning how to slow down and say no to fun stuff.
Cathafterdark, a rope bottom based in Barcelona, shares her thoughts on what newbie frenzy is and how to try to slow down. ‘Beware of newbie frenzy! We all experience it. When you start in the world of ropes, everything is new and exciting, and you may be tempted to get tied whenever the opportunity arises. Even if you are careful, this is a consuming activity and keeping such an intense rhythm right at the beginning of your journey can take a toll and lead to burnout. It’s a marathon, not a sprint! If you want to keep doing ropes in the long term, slow down, take your time, learn to stop and take breaks. You won’t regret not tying for the fourth time in a row when your body and mind were tired, but you may regret the drop you feel the day after or the weakness in your shoulder muscles a month later. There’s always more time to tie, but you only have one body and mind.’
If you want to keep doing ropes in the long term, slow down, take your time, learn to stop and take breaks.
Illustration by Jo La Patouille Is it possible to completely avoid this frenzy? For me, it was part of my beginner journey. Rope bondage was on my mind 24/7 for a lot of that first exciting year. And while I definitely make different choices today than I did three years ago, I don’t think I would have changed a thing on this journey.
Fuoco adds that she would have liked to give her newbie self this advice: ‘Of course, I want to wish a younger me more caution. I want to tell her that her fever and hunger for rope will quiet down and she’ll be able to make better, more discerning choices about who to tie with. But I wouldn’t have listened. Probably not even to older me. Because the fever is delicious.’
